Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say—What Is Assertive Communication?
These days it seems, when you watch TV or read about an interaction online, the impression is that everyone is being “real” or “authentic.”
You might see or hear phrases such as “You always get things wrong!” or “This is completely your fault!” The next thing you know things escalate and the situation gets heated quickly.
This makes for great ratings, but those types of conversations only serve as examples of how not to communicate. They might be blunt or even aggressive—but that’s not synonymous with “assertive.”
So what is assertive communication, and how can you develop this skill?
Making Your Point—Productively
One way that’s considered assertive communication is when you are able to make your point, productively. What does that mean?
It’s when you can sit down with someone, have a conversation, and express your point of view calmly, and base your position on logic, not emotion.
That is much more productive and useful than getting in a shouting match with someone. Nobody enjoys having someone yell at them. Yelling will only make things worse, not better. Plus, anger only serves to drive people apart rather than bring them closer together.
Expressing How You Feel
Another important indicator of assertive communication is expressing how you feel. Note that expressing your feelings is an art form all unto itself (just think of poetry). However, to keep things simple, talk to someone by describing how you feel about the situation.
For example:
“I felt worried when you didn’t come home before curfew last night.”
“I feel happy when you say ‘I love you’ to me.”
“I feel discouraged when you continue to drink alcohol.”
The idea is that you are expressing how you feel about something without blaming, shaming, or guilt-tripping the other person. You are, instead, taking ownership of your emotions. This differs from saying something such as “You make me so angry!” That takes away ownership and instead implies that the other person controls your emotions.
Being Conscious of Your Body Language
We often don’t realize how our body language plays into our conversations and dialogue. Of course, nobody would be fooled when they hear someone say, “I’m having a good time,” when they have a frown on their face and look sullen.
However, body language also plays a role in everyday conversations. For instance, someone who has their hands to their side displays a more open posture than someone with crossed arms.
It’s these subtle signs that can make-or-break a discussion. Consider how you hold yourself in conversation, and pay attention to how others do as well.
How to Learn Assertive Communication
Anyone can learn assertive communication. Yet, sometimes we need help. That’s why it’s valuable to talk to a therapist who understands communication difficulties and strategies. They will be able to teach you the skills you need in a supportive environment that fosters understanding and trust.
For obvious reasons, it’s easier to practice and make mistakes with a therapist rather than just “going for it” in the real world. But it’s also necessary to practice outside of session how to communicate.
Start with someone you trust and whom you respect. Then, as you get better, you can begin to incorporate assertive communication in your everyday dialogue. You may not even realize that it’s happening!
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Assertive communication is all about being “real.” But assertive communication can help you not only get across your point of view; it also brings people closer together and fosters understanding. If you want to learn these skills, practicing them will be critical for success.
If you’re interested to find out how I can help you with better communication skills, please contact me for more information.