Co-Parenting Essentials: Strategies, Tips, and Tools
One of the many realities of the end of a relationship when children are involved is that you and your former partner/spouse still have to work together to raise your children, at least working together is the desired approach. This is often referred to as co-parenting.
Hopefully, you have at least a working relationship with your ex. However, even former couples who have had less than an ideal divorce or break-up can still find common ground to co-parent together. It requires having a strategy for success, as well as common-sense tips and tools.
Combined, these will help you both to raise your children with love and care.
Develop Problem-Solving Skills
Everyone talks about developing communication skills. Of course, communication is always important in any relationship.
However, when it comes to co-parenting, you both need to work on your problem-solving skills. When your kids throw you curve balls (and they will), how will you each handle the situation?
Here are two strategies to consider:
Strategic Problem-Solving – This is where you address the problem at hand without divining into the emotional component. The idea is to maintain objectivity while also working to solve the problem by prioritizing what’s important, common concerns, and finding a solution.
Social-Psychological Problem-Solving – With this strategy, you do take the emotional aspect of the situation into consideration. You think about the emotions surrounding the problem and how they influence the issue. Both of you consider your roles in the situation and how they also play a role in the problem.
Mindfulness and Co-Parenting
Mindfulness isn’t always about finding your Zen and mediating up high on the mountaintop. Instead, you practice mindfulness to become more attuned to your surroundings and how you affect your environment.
So, if you respond one way to your child’s behavior and your partner responds differently, you might want to examine why you each had different responses.
For instance:
Could there be things from your own past that played into your decisions?
Have you been taking care of yourself and making sure your physical and emotional needs are being met?
What are your beliefs about respect, discipline, etc.?
Are there things that your child does that annoys, or even triggers you?
Also, ask these questions from the perspective of your child and former partner. It might be that they are struggling too. These considerations can help you adjust your thinking to take a different approach when co-parenting your child.
When Conflict Does Happen
When a disagreement or conflict does occur, then it’s time to take a step back and keep these tips and tools in mind:
Slow down
Remember to put the child(ren) first
Breathe deeply
Agree to pause the discussion and take a break
Get up, take a walk, or do something to physically get the energy out
Take a moment to consider your ex’s point of view
When you do pick up again, talk slowly and deliberately
Listen intently, ensure that your ex knows you are hearing them
Work towards a common solution together
Maintain a United Front
Finally, when you both are interacting with your child, strive to maintain a united front. That means implementing expectations, rules, or boundaries that you have both agreed upon. This is especially important as the children develop and mature.
However, presenting a united front also means not undermining your ex either. You both might still have big disagreements about things, but that doesn’t give either of you the right to vent about them to your child and it can harm the parent-child relationship.
Video: “Tips for Successful Co-Parenting”
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Ultimately, when you are co-parenting, you are still in a relationship with your ex, even though you are not together anymore. That means utilizing many of the same skills that all couples use. And if you find yourself in a co-parenting situation but are struggling to find common ground, ask for help.
Please, reach out to me if you’d like professional help and therapeutic support with your co-parenting problems.